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Off To Be The Wizard
Magic 2.0 Book 1 . Published by: 47North on March 18 2014. Narrated by Luke Daniels.]] Discovering The File While Snooping through the file system of a cell service provider, Martin Banks, a 23 year old from Seattle WA, came across a 5TB text file called Repository1-c.txt. Out of Habit, Martin searched his name “Martin Kenneth Banks”. Martin noticed patterns in the files and eventually figured out what some of the values meant. One of the values appeared to be his height at 5ft 11in. He knew this was probably a more accurate measurement but since he has used 6ft 2in for his entire adult life, he decided to make the edit. This was Martin’s first change to the file and after urinating on the wall and noticing things he’d never noticed before, he realized that he just grew a few inches. After contemplating existentialism and debating whether or not to pretend he never found the file, curiosity won the day. He starts messing with the file again, discovering bank theft, levitation, teleportation and time travel. He had discovered that reality itself was a program and the source code for reality was right in front of him. After manipulating his bank account one too many times, he was arrested by a 2 person US Treasury Special Task Force comprised of Agent Murphy and Agent Miller. This Task Force was put together to investigate unexplainable bank fraud. Martin had already developed an app to give himself shortcuts to manipulate the file. One button would teleport him home and another was a bright red button that said “Escape”. When he was developing the escape function, he tried to consider a time and place where magic was both acceptable and awe inspiring. He decided on Medieval England and searched the internet for “Best time to live in Medieval England”. The third result was a book by Gilbert Cox titled The Best Years to Live in Medieval England. He chose the year 1150 for the time and the White Cliffs of Dover for the location. While being interrogated by the task force, he offered to show the agents how he manipulated his balance with his smartphone. When he was given his phone by the idiotic agents, he hit the home button. Suddenly appearing in his bedroom face to face with a different federal agent, he tapped the Escape button. The Rotten Stump Martin found himself exactly when and where he programmed the file to take him. While en route to civilization, he was found by a woman driving a cart who introduced herself as Gwen, the tailor of Leadchurch. Gwen immediately recognized him as a Wizard (Martin was wearing his Draco Malfoy costume) and through an awkward conversation she informed him that Wizards were celibate, which was shocking, and that Leadchurch was the home of another Wizard. Gwen dropped Martin off at an Inn called The Rotten Stump and she took his measurements before continuing on her way. Inside the Rotten Stump, Martin attempts to wow the inkeep and his patrons with the evidence bag from his arrest, referring to it as "cloth that you can see through". Martin was hoping on getting free food and board but nobody was too impressed. The local wizard, Phillip showed up to greet Martin. Martin, believing Phillip to be a charlatan gets into a bit of tiff which results in Phillip challenging Martin to a Wizarding Duel. The format of the duel is to take turns showing off your spells, trying to 1-up the opponent until you can no longer do so. Martin, thinking he was going to easily win against the charlatan goes all out with his best trick, levitation. It wasn't true levitation mind you. Because gravity exists somewhere else in the file, Martin had to write a script that would constantly reset his altitude to 3 feet above the ground (10 times per second). This caused him to continually vibrate and was the source of extreme discomfort. Phillip, who knew how to program a constant into the file, flew 30 feet into the air effortlessly and shot a ball of light at Martins chest which propelled him through the forest until he hit a tree and passed out. Phillip Martin woke about 9 hours later to the smell of stew and a body full of ache. He was in Phillips house. He learned that Phillip and Gwen went to retrieve him from the forest, where he was still levitating (later Gwen remarks that he must be a skilled Wizard to continue levitating after being knocked unconscious). Obviously Martin had a ton of questions swirling through his mind while he was inhaling the stew. Phillip seemed aware of this, so he went ahead and answered them without being asked. Phillip was from London but immigrated to the US where he found the file, using his Commodore 64, in the year 1983. Martin learned that many other people had also found the file and that some are intentionally directed to their time period via the Gilbert Cox book. The wizards have developed a script that buys enough copies of the book every year to keep it in circulation. According to Phillip, he was the first of the Medieval England Wizards to both find the file and to arrive. Jimmy (also known as Merlin), the chairperson of the Medieval England community, found the file 2 years after Phillip and arrived less than a week after. Soon after most of Martins questions were answered, Phillip offered Martin a place in the Wizard training program as his apprentice. Since the only other option was to be sent back to his own time without access to the file and possibly hogtied and stripped naked, Martin enthusiastically agreed after first making sure he didn't have to be celibate. The Wizarding community typically takes turns training new Wizards and Martin should have gone to one of the Magnuses in Norway. Phillip had taken a liking to Martin, so he decided to handle the training himself. Off To Be The Wizard The first step in his training was to visit Gwen's tailor shop to be fitted for a hat and robes. Against Phillips warning, Martin asked Gwen out and received a not so friendly reply. While the two were in the shop, a farmer from the village of Rickard's Bend came in to complain that his clothes were stretching. Gwen assured the man that the material she uses does not stretch. Phillip took Martin on a tour of Leadchurch, which consisted of a few shops and of course the Church thats covered in lead. Every day at noon, the Bishop comes out and attempts to stick a magnet to the side of the building to prove that the church is made of lead.They eventually came to Phillips shop where he maintains the illusion of being the local professional Wizard. It was a small space filled with jars and bottles full of fluids, spice jars and a work table. This is where the locals come to request favors from the local wizard. Phillip explains to Martin that they do take on the occasional job but that their primary job is to make it look like they are too busy to be bothered. Phillip already had an appointment scheduled for the day; they were to contain an ancient evil. They were asked by Mrs Abigail to move her goat from one Pen to the other. The ancient evil they were containing was Mrs Abigail. After being chased by a levitating goat, Martin returned with Phillip back to his shop where Phillip instructed him on how to clean and prepare his staff, the first instruction being DO NOT make the obvious joke. Phillip told Martin about arriving in medieval England and how he got into a huge argument with Jimmy over changing the timeline. He believed Jimmy as being too careless, afraid the timeline would be affected. As it turned out, nothing they do in medieval England has any impact whatsoever on the future. The ever doubtful Martin returned to the future to confirm what Phillip told him. While he was there, he found the perfect ornament for his staff, a souvenir he bought as a child on a trip to Mexico, a bust of El Santo, King of the Luchadores. Much like Martin's 3 function application on his cellphone, Phillip developed a similar program when he first arrived called The Shell. The Shell listens for verbal commands in poorly translated Esperanto, an international language developed in the late 1800s. To enable a user for The Shell, you must recite the incantation "Supren Supren, Suben Suben, Maldeskstra dekstra, Maldeskstra dekstra, Bee Aye Komenco" (translates to up up down down left right left right B A Start, which is the Konami Code). Reciting the incantation is just what enables a Shell user. To actually meet the criteria so the Shell will execute your commands, you must be dressed in the proper wizard attire (5 Foot Staff or an 18 inch wand, Robes with cuffs 2 feet in circumference and a conical hat no shorter than 12 inches). The Necromancer of Skull Gullet Cave...and his friends Just as Martin had had enough of Phillips 10 year old stew that was his primary source of nourishment for the last couple days, Phillip gives him the news that they are going to his friend Gary's house for board games and pizza. Using the crystal ball to communicate with Gary, Phillip tells him that they are on their way over and Gary gives Phillip the locations code. Like every time someone informs Gary that they are coming, he makes sure you teleport standing in something that you do not want to be standing in. Martin meets the other 3 wizards that live close to leadchurch, Gary, a painter from the year 1992, Tyler, a writer from 2003 and Jeff, who is from 2021 and the first wizard Martin met who is from his future. Gary goes to the year 1992, visits a Pizza Hut and immediately takes his pizza into the bathroom where he travels back to medieval England. He makes another trip to 1992 to grab a six pack of diet pepsi. Martin ate the best bad pizza he has ever eaten and played the most enjoyable game of Risk hes ever played. Since Martin arrived in Leadchurch, he has had this feeling that all the locals want to do him harm but Phillip keeps telling him its paranoia. When Phillip goes for a pee outside, the other 3 tell Martin that he has good reason to be afraid. Jeff was once overheard mentioning that his wand was broken and a local pulled a knife on him. Luckily for Jeff, the wand still worked. Kluge and the Gang The next day, it was time to go for the rough fitting at Gwen's tailor shop, so she could make the final adjustments to the template and then make the robes out of more expensive material. In order to get the robes just right, Gwen asked about Martin's Staff. Martin had been looking forward to an opportunity to recite the description he had prepared about his staff's ornamentation. He told Gwen "This is the grim visage of the saint of the southern country, destroyer of the monsters and leader of men. He vanquished and later befriended the blue demon" 1 Direct quote from Off To Be The Wizard. Chapter 16. Page 156 While at the shop, another resident of Rickard's Bend came in complaining about her jacket and pants growing. The woman also had to make a stop at the cobblers to complain about her shoes shrinking. When they made it back to Phillips hut, Phillip began to serve stew. This is the same stew that has been boiling in the pot nonstop for an unknown period of time. Martin, sick of Phillips month old stew, left to find sustenance else where. He recalled seeing a vendor with a fruit cart somewhere in town, so he mad his way to downtown Leadchurch. On the way, he ran into the local gang lead by a man named Kluge. Kluge had asked Martin to show him what he has learned from the town Wizard in an attempt to provoke Martin into a fight. The only things Martin could do with the shell were levitating, copying and destroying. He didn't want to pay off Kluge by the using kopio because he knew Kluge would just keep coming back. Destroying Kluge wasn't an option; they are wizards not murderers. They only thing left in Martin's toolbox was levitation, so Martin had to come up with a creative way to use it. His first move was to levitate and throw Kluge back but doing so also threw Martin back. After a few more ideas, Martin had Kluge hanging from a tree The Wonderful World of Camelot The Hobbits of Rickard's Bend Footnotes __FORCETOC__